at this time tml. i will be in army. How time flies pass by. im going to be a man soon le. Yeah... wow... lol.
Everyone take care ^-^
dreamt at 11:22 PM
My Not So Secret Lives Ending
i wonder if C knows what he's gonna do.
...
i laid on my bed, unable to fall asleep. Everytime i close my eyes, the image of jess, her helpless, worried and downcasted face can break my heart. I now realise the meaning of "heartache". The same similar overpowering feeling to protect her, to held her close to me is once again taking over me. I wanted to hug her tight once again, to tell her everything is gonna be alright. i instinctively reached over for my phone, and played with the idea of messaging jess.
'Its quite late', i realised.. 'but then jess wun be asleep so fast too. Not with whatever fears and worriness troubling her heart... ' i thought to myself.
" Jess, its me. just wanted to let u know.. i will always be here for you. And i'm always in love with you. Everything's gonna be alright. " i wrote. Closing my eyes, hoping to drift off to sleep. my phone vibrate. My eyes flutter open.
" I know. thank you.. for being there for me. I miss you. " it was from jess ! I smiled a little, knowing that deep down in both of our hearts, we are connected. That thought pleased me.
" Not so much as i would miss you right now. Sleep tight, my jess. Dreams Happpy Dreams. Until the day of reckoning comes.. i will be right here where u wanted me to be. Always, for sure. " my hands typed swiflty back. and for once, my fingers curled around the phone and laid it gently on my chest... hoping that the msg is her. Slowly.. my thoughts waltzed quietly into the night.
18th March The next day and the following weeks.. jess and i have not managed to spend much "us" time together. Althought i can't say i blame her, but deep down, im aching for her to come back to my side. A simple dinner here, a hug there, a kiss right in the middle... its always making me desiring more. But whenever jess thinks about E, i know she is not happy at all. i can feel it.
Seriously, sometimes i don't feel pity for E, mainly its because i realised someone got to teach her to wake up from her fantasy of hers. Dun get me wrong, im not angry with her or anything.. in fact, i wouldn't wish what happen to her to happen to anyone, be it friend or enemy... i just thought, she needs to be shaken up and woken up from that fantasy world of hers, where in her that world of hers, there is no consequences or something. Sigh. Now i feel crappy. I cannot ignore or reject the feelings i have for jess any longer. so i guess whatever happens to E or C is my concern now. Especiall E. Hmmm... friendship by association.
All this while, E has been a nervous wreck. Day by day, as i see, she gets more fearful and more scared of the "D-day" coming. Well, who can blame her ? Jess has been spending more time with her as the "big day" looms closer. That gives me more time on the other hand... well, i tried to help as much as i can.. but really, when it comes to other people's problem, there's only so much i can do. i wish at times.. jess and i have only us and our music to keep us company. but that's not going to work like this.
25th March I search online for information concerning AIDs, hoping i could find whatever it is to help Jess and E.
And wow, what i found surprise me even... " AIDS. Or Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, is a set of infections that attack your immune system, the system that fights diseases, it damages your immune system leaving the person infected with AIDS, vulnerable to infections and tumors. HIV has found a wealth of opportunities to thrive among tragic human conditions fueled by poverty, abuse, violence, prejudice and ignorance. Social and economic circumstances contribute to vulnerability to HIV infection and intensify its impact, while HIV/AIDS generates and amplifies the very conditions that enable the epidemic to thrive. Just as the virus depletes the human body of its natural defenses, it can also deplete families and communities of the assets and social structures necessary for successful prevention and provision of care and treatment for persons living with HIV/AIDS. This is demonstrated by the estimated 30 million people living with HIV/AIDS, mostly in developing countries. Over 2 million people are expected to die from HIV related illnesses this year adding to nearly 12 million deaths attributed so far to the epidemic. The impact of HIV/AIDS extends beyond those living with the virus, as each infection produces consequences which affect the lives of the family, friends and communities surrounding an infected person. The overall impact of the epidemic encompasses effects on the lives of multiples of the millions of people living with HIV/AIDS or of those who have died. "
Yes. thats right. AIDS CAN KILL ! so please whoever is out there jumping partners like rabbits. please do make sure u wear a condom. if not, the ones who are affected is not going to be just you. It's your friends, your family, your relatives.. just like what is going on right now. Dun let everyone suffer because of your pleasure for the moment !
oh another thing i found interesting... "Gel prevents AIDS-like infection". Mmm.. interesting, maybe I should let Jess knows about this. Who knows, maybe it might just helps a little. At least.. she knows I'm doing all i can to smoothe her anxious heart. I hate to see her unhappy.
26th March C called ! Not really expecting his call. Since all the time, he has been missing. Seems to me, he wanted time alone to thin about it through. Of course, not replying my msg or E's call or Jess's too.
C told me, its been a struggle within of him. He cried, he tried, he visit the old places that E and him went to before, trying to remember happy times, trying to capture the feelings back again that make him wants to protect her. And now he's back. Wow ! i never realised this. That even if someone is strong, famous or ever so glamerous on the outside, deep within, there will always be a need for that special someone. Whatever C told me today, affected me. I always thought to myself, lovers or couples declared their love ( just as i did weeks ago. )... " no matter what, i will love you.." ( or something like that)... i thought that if " no matter what " comes along.. what will the person who say that do ? what will the person who hears that do also ?
C just show me. Running away is never a option. The one who he love and the one who loves him will be in even more pain. Coming back to support E in whatever ways he can is already a big sacrifice for him. Knowing that when C knows what E has done, he can forgive and willing stand by her side in her darkest moment. It is to me.. the sign of love in the truest form. I salute C for that.
27th March Finally a date with jess alone ! Ever since C came back, E has been happier. Of course who wounldn't, knowing that the one u pine for the most has returned. Jess told me E is no longer a frail girl(that makes me amused for a little) but even she has the twinkle in her eyes once again(whenever she's with C), deep down, she is still scared. i sighed and truffled jess hair. She is always so caring and concerned about others. But i guess thats just one of her million attractive points about her. I held her close that night, it seems so long since i last smelt her warm scent.
30th March Its here ! Jess is on the way to the clinic with E as i type this. She and I decided that it was best not to tag along since this is very personal to E.
so im waiting here with C in my house. we are both anxious.
In an hour's time. The phone is going to ring.
31st March SIMLES :D LAUGHTER :D HUGS :D JOYS :D
Biggest smile of the day-E Biggest laughter of the day-C Buggest hug of the day- C and E Biggest joy of the day- All of us. Biggest News of the day- E IS Clean !!
it was a relief. It was joyful. It was everything that everyone hoped for. the happy ending. C and E were EstatiC. Jess and I were shouTing for Joy. The whole hospital was looking at us. as if we won the lottery or something, but we cant contain our joy. From the time they went in, scared and nervous, until they came out and call us, voice choking with emotion, it has been a roller-coaster ride for everyone, Especially E and C. But right now, everyone is happy. haha. its been so long since i last saw jess smiling so happily. Tonight is our night out again.. i took out the guitar and played a song i wrote for her.. ever since E got the horrible news to the time we are here right now ..
In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you, Forgiving the past, And dreaming of you.
Time passes by, And memories fade, But time can't erase, The love that we made.
And the stars in the sky, That i wish upon can't bring you back to my side, Though you're not here with me, I dream of the day we'll meet again.
Hold me close so deep in your heart, I will find you no matter where i have to go, And dream of you for you're always there, Follow the stars, that lead into the quiet night.
Lovely isnt it ? i wish that at this time, everyone is as happy as we are right now.
*Sealed with kiss.* Get involved with Jesse and Trey today @ www.notsosecretlives.com
dreamt at 8:55 PM
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
i have spend the most wonderful night of my life again. Becos everytime u are with me, my stomach flutters.. my heart beats faster.. my eyes sparkle. i just wun know what am i supposed to do without u. I love you. and i know it the moment i see you. this feeling is smth i have been searching for.. the emptiness within my heart.. the powerful feeling that compels me to do everything i can to protect u . i wish i wish.. i have more time with u.
I miss you so much...
dreamt at 10:11 AM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
im at home now. just went to gym.haha. my driving lessons are finishing soon. my army date is coming soon.. argh !! lol. but i cant run away.. its singapore law. bleah. ok ok, enough of that whining and complaining. its almost time for tuition. u know i just wonder how is everyone ? my friends whom i have not seen for months or years ! oh gosh.. just suddenly thinking of everyone.. when i hear this song. lol.
i bet everyone knows this song. it really really brings back memories. those happy ones, those sad ones, those funny one, playing together, exciting one, special moments.. all those smiles and laughters.. it builds up who u are. regardless of who u are, regardless of what u face, its really friends who support u through all the way. Remember when i was feeling down, when the whole world seems to be against me. Those who are in my poly would have know the shocking things i have done. But right here, right now.. i just want to say thank you and sorry. Thank you for trying ur best to help me, encourage me, support me, for at least being there for me.. but sorry for not listening to you all, i let u all down. but pls know that right deep down in my heart, i still cherish u all as frens. no matter what. u all stay a special part in my life. Thank you all !!
P.S. my eyes are wet when i wrote this :D
dreamt at 11:55 PM
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
its night time again. raining heavily again. lol. life seems to move at such a pace when sometimes u wish u can stop for a while and enjoy a relaxing time with that someone.. but yet.. even if time slows down for me.. im all alone. of cos.. there are family and frens.. but the feeling is always different. oh lord.. what am i supposed to do ?
perhaps this song says it all ...
Lyrics I'm running out of Patiences 'cos i can't believe what the hell I'm hearing And speaking of hell It don't compare to this heat That i am feeling
I love you too much It shows All my emotions go Out of control oh whoa whoa Good for you bad for me When i can hardly see From the tears that flow oh whoa
Can't forget to breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Before i lose it get compo- oh oh oh 'sure
I am gunna breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Ladies never lose compo- oh oh oh 'sure
Not guuna lie Or even try You've got my wheel spinning And i ain't the one to show The gun 'cos that means you will be Winning oh yeah
I love you too much It shows All my emotions go Out of control oh whoa whoa Good for you bad for me When i can hardly see From the tears that flow oh whoa
Ooh oh ooh Can't forget to breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Before i lose it get compo- oh oh oh 'sure
I am gunna breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Ladies never lose compo- oh oh oh 'sure
Somebody better hold me back You're lucky i know how to act (so lucky ain't gunna attack) I'm being calm and cool But believe me you It's taking everything to just Breathe breathe breathe ...
Can't forget to breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Before i lose it get compo- oh oh oh 'sure
I am gunna breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Ladies never lose compo- oh oh oh 'sure
Can't forget to breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Before i lose it get compo- oh oh oh 'sure
I am gunna breathe slow Count from one to ten With my eyes closed 'cos ladies take it in And get compo- oh oh oh 'sure Ladies never lose compo- oh oh oh 'sure.
hehe. so how did u enjoy it ? sometimes.. all u need is just to breathe ^-^
John 10:10 " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that tey may have life, and have it to the full. "
When i read to this part.. i want to share with u a small story. Once a hunter was out in the forest hunting when he chance upon a deer. Just when he was about to shoot the deer.. he saw a young foal stumbling out from the bush beside and walk gingerly to the deer. The hunter then realised that the deer is a mother and has just given birth. The hunter was glad.. this means that the deer was weak and may not run fast enough to escape. He crept slowly forward and take aim.. just when he was about to shoot.. the deer spoke to him, " Oh mr hunter ! have mercy ! my child is still young.. if u kill me now.. he will be helpless and will starve to death.. give me 2 weeks time to train him...after that i will come personally to ur house and then u can do whatever u want to me. " The hunter was taken aback.. but he felt sympathy for the young foal should he kill the mother deer so he agreed. after all.. its only one deer. He left. Days passed.. weeks passed... This day, the hunter was surprisingly on the same path hunting again.. when all of a sudden.. a deer walked up to him and bowed her head in front of the hunter. The hunter was overjoyed ! He thought he was so lucky.. just then the young foal came running out of the bush and was licking the mother deer. The hunter was even happier ! He cannot believe his eyes. Then the mother deer spoke, " Mr hunter, u may have forgotten about me. but i have not. i am the deer that u wanted to kill 2 weeks ago.. as promised i have come to offer my life to u.. but pls spare my child. He is innocent. I would also like to thank you for letting me enjoy 2 weeks time with my young. it was priceless. " The mother deer spoke without raising her head. then she turn slowly and said, " my child.. its time for me to leave. u have to remember what i taught u for the past 2 weeks.. becos i will no longer be here to guide u anymore.. " The young foal cry upon hearing that and keep licking his mother. The hunter stood there, transfixed by the heartwarming scence happening in front of him. He then recalled what happen 2 weeks ago.. being a father himself.. he was moved to tears.. He kept his gun and walked away slowly.. but not before leaving the apples he brought along in front of the mother deer.
Hehe. that was the story. sorry if i nvr narrate it nicely.. i did try :D. But telling u, my readers, this story is becos i wanted to share the moral of this story with you. It is of cos connected to the quote from the bible i wrote. God is always there to help us. to protect us. In face of danger and trouble.. do we just run away or face it head on ? The thief in the form of temptation, evil desires and death will always be surrounding us.. waiting to trap us if we took a wrong step. but God is ever-present. Believing in him, trusting him would save us and let us know what is the right path to take. It would also give us courage to face danger bravely. Therefore, no matter what happens, believe in God's power to pull us through even the most horrible times of our life.. never waiver our faith in our sincere heart.. and we will receive abundent life beyond our wildest dreams. Spiritually and Physically. Thats what i believe. ^-^
dreamt at 8:14 AM
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i hear ur voice once more.. im not longer alone anymore.. it feels so sweet to me... as though the world is overflowing with honey. Oh.. how my heart aches yet again.. with the thought of u .. so near yet so far... i wish i could see ur smile right here right now.. My love.
A poem for u. hee ^-^
Back to me again. lol. going army on the 13th of march. suddenly everything seems so rush. but its still managable. right now im at home.. later have tuitions. im abit worried. with the time i have left. im not going to die ! im just thinking.. will i have enough time. in the past.. i wasted my time. nvr realise what i really wanted to do. but when u met someone in ur life.. suddenly ur life have a purpose. that person is you. Yes, you, u know who im saying about. the one in my heart. Thats why i am doing everything i can right now. becos i dun want to lose time even more. God bless. ^-^
dreamt at 7:38 PM
Monday, February 23, 2009
Right now, the night is growing silent there. peacefully sitting in my brown chair, with the gentle wind blowing thru my hair, forgiving the past mistakes, looking upon the present time, and im still wishing for the future of my life, i wish... i wish... i wish... You were here with me ^-^.
A poem for you. hehe. right.. back to the reality. i always love music.. i believe that music is the bridge.. the connection for everything. Be it heartaches, sorrow, anger, happines.. or just being alone.. music will guide u thru.. thus, i would like to share this music.. it sorts of suits my mood now. so yeah. enjoy it :D hehe.
Lyrics:
There's nothing I could say to you Nothing I could ever do to make you see What you mean to me All the pain, the tears I cried Still you never said goodbye and now I know How far you'd go
I know I let you down But it's not like that now This time I'll never let you go
Chorus: I will be, all that you want And get myself together Cause you keep me from falling apart All my life, I'll be with you forever To get you through the day And make everything okay
I thought that I had everything I didn't know what life could bring But now I see, honestly You're the one thing I got right The only one I let inside Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me
And if I let you down I'll turn it all around Cause I would never let you go
Chorus: I will be, all that you want And get myself together Cause you keep me from falling apart All my life, I'll be with you forever To get you through the day And make everything okay
Cause without you I cant sleep I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave You're all I've got, you're all I want Yeah
And without you I don't know what I'd do I can never, ever live a day without you Here with me, do you see, You're all I need
Chorus: And I will be, all that you want And get myself together Cause you keep me from falling apart All my life (my life), I'll be with you forever To get you through the day And make everything okay.
hehe. just smoothes ur heart :D
Matthew 7:7-8 " Ask and it shall be given to you; Seek and you will find; Knock and the dorr will be opened to you; For everyone who ask receives; He who seeks finds; And to him tho knocks, the door will be opened. "
Once again.. a quote from the HOLY BIBLE. its been 19 years of my life. i have been through alot. From studies to r/s to my own friends to even my jobs. each time there will be up and down.. but all i can say is that.. whenever we are down.. even if music is there to smoothe our senses.. the real way to calm us down.. is to seek the comfort of god's words. i was stuggling in my life.. until i met god's words. it gave me sense of peace.. a feeling i have been longing for.. i never realise how close it is to me until i reach out my hand. I regret not reaching out sooner. not opening my eyes wider.. So to all those lost souls out there.. Take a step out. reach ur hand out. Open ur heart and soul to god... u will receive more than what u can ever ask for.. Believe it. Thats what the quote is saying. Smiles ^-^
dreamt at 8:46 AM
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Look here!
Edward.
Wonder Boy.
Luring. ah :D
currently hovering at 19.
staying at purple line.
school= NUS OR SMU. im still waiting to go army. ah .. singapore law. sigh.
Most important Part of Edward's life=
Waiting for you
